Saturday, March 22, 2008

life as it seems....

dad. father. poppa. daddy. role model. hero.

when i see those words a million thoughts come to my mind. Not only thoughts, but also questions, images, hurt, excitement. Growing up i was raised in the most "perfect" family. I was blessed to have two parents that loved me unconditionally. I was so happy. I can't say if i was ever a "daddy's girl" or a "mommy's girl" but i loved them both equally. My dad was the most amazing person to me. I looked up to him in every way possible. He was one of my biggest hero's. I loved hearing him laugh, hearing him preach. I was his biggest fan.
Those words on the top changed overtime... they changed to

disappointment. hurt. pain. let down. embarrassment. failure.

How can i say that about the person that gave me life? My own father. How can i forgive the same man that walked out on my family for PILLS? I have so many quesitions, and not even close to getting answers. When is enough? When is God going to just say "enough" and make him change? Obviouslly God is not going to MAKE us change but sometimes i really wish he did. That would probably make my life a little simpler.

i feel numb to the very thought of my dad. i know very well that he thinks of us every second of his life behind those rehab doors. I cry, when i see pictures. I am highly emotional watching movies with dads in them. I dont even realize that i am crying half the time. I try so hard to hide the hurt that i feel inside my heart. It pains me to read letters from him. I cant even remember the last time i prayed a real prayer. So praying for my dad that he will overcome his addiction is not the first thing that comes to my mind.

But i know that there is a God. And i know that he can help my family.
i am a strong girl. i can do whatever i put my mind to.
But there is something that i dont think i can do by myself..and that is the ability to forgive easliy.

"Forgiveness", that is a very powerful word. Such a powerful word that it scares me.

1 comment:

Shelbs said...

ohhh my beautiful V!!! wow that was pretty touching! I mean i was living with u during this whole thing was going on with ur family so i know the story but still its crazy to sit here and wonder why some people go through things and others dont...? i know we all get put into situations where we think we cant handle it, but i know this one thing God would never put u in a situation u cant handle, and i know u know that too. I love u vanessa and the fact that u and i have been through so much together hahaha how funny it is to think we are now pretty much the best of friends! im glad ive seen the different side of u the side that i completely fell in love with, u are such an incredible person and ur faith is astonishing i wish u cud see urself the way i see u. Thank u for all ur support with everything and u know i love u unconditionally!! xo